Tired of Feeling Helpless


It’s been way too long since my last post – this sounds vaguely like Catholic confession, but I do have a good excuse….I went camping, more to come on camping with a 4 year old and 9 month old.  But I caught the plague – or as the Dr. liked to call it – a serious sinus infection that needed antibiotics.  A few days into that, I started feeling slightly better, but got dysentery – or as the Dr. liked to call it – a bad reaction to the antibiotics.  All of this has lasted a better part of two weeks.


I’m finally going to make it and it’s about 4am in the morning and I just felt like I had to write.  This blog to me is mostly about my attempted various projects from crocheting to sewing to jewelry making, painting, general crafts and repurposing/salvaging old building materials and various other cool stuff and turning them into furniture.  I also like to throw in my experiences as a mom and our family happenings and then just to spice things up, I like to add random shit.  


So here is some random shit.


Right now, there are a group of Democrats in the government who have staged a 2 day sit in to bring awareness and ask for action in changing gun control legislation.  This is following up on a recent event where 49 Americans were killed in a gay nightclub in Orlando, FL.  It is the largest mass shooting in the U.S. to date.  


While I’ve always believed in stricter gun control laws, sometimes getting so angry to the point that I think all guns should be illegal, but I’ve had other things to do in my life and it just sort of slips through the cracks.  The older I get and having two children who are already growing up in an entirely different world than I did, I feel like I want to do something to change some of the bad.  I don’t want to have to worry about a shooting at school or out in a bar.  That’s not a world I want to see or have my children experience.


It seems that everyday people or rednecks as I like to call them think that the government is going to come in and “take all of their guns.”  Why someone really needs some type of assault rifle, I have no idea, and while I wish there was a 1984 type world just with the government being able to actually – in real life – come in and “take all their guns,” that just isn’t going to happen and I can try and live with that.  But to have instances where people don’t have to have a background check to buy a gun at a gun show or to allow people who are being monitored and/or on the no fly list to buy guns is just outrageous.  Let’s start somewhere people!  And I feel like the current sit-in, I’m hoping at least, will make something happen.  I love seeing them in their nice suits and shoes sitting on the floor, talking, singing, praying.  


I don’t pray and I don’t believe there is a god who would condone terrible acts of violence or even acts of judgement on the part of religious groups that feel like the shooting was justified and “those people got what they deserved.” It’s absolutely unconscionable to me that a god or people would say such a thing.  These were kids, or at least young people, out celebrating, singing and dancing.  Just because they love who they want to love doesn’t make them any different than anyone else.  There are so many times when these supposed god worshipping, moral people are found to really participate in heinous crimes.  I just can’t imagine their “all-forgiving god” sitting up there in judgement of the world and allowing “his people” to sit down here and tell everyone else what “he is saying.”  If that is god, then I definitely want no part in that.


We teach our 4 year old that we love everyone and when he decides who he wants to love when he gets older be it man or woman, that’s okay.  We watch shows such as Modern Family with a gay couple who adopt a daughter and he asks why she has two daddies and we simply explained that they love each other and he’s okay with that.  We go to a very liberal and open preschool where some of the kids have 2 moms or 2 dads and my son is okay with that.  He sees nothing wrong or different about it and that’s the way it should be.  We read him books such as And Tango Makes Three by Justin Richardson about 2 gay penguins in the Central Park Zoo.  Even in nature, there is nothing wrong with that!  Killing people on the other hand is wrong.  It doesn’t matter what your justification is or what your god says, killing is wrong.  Cutting someone’s life off and hurting those around them is wrong.
So where does that leave me?  I am a housewife who likes to make beautiful things and while I feel that I contribute positively to the world in that area, what can I do.  So I Googled it.  I can write letters to my representatives here in Utah and I can support the Democratic sit-in through social media and letters.  It makes me feel a little impotent, but I’m willing to give it a try.  Then I started thinking about other aspects in this world that need to change and I got so depressed about all the ugliness in this world and the lack of power I feel I have to change anything for the better.  So I want to think about something or maybe some things that I really believe need to change.  Off the cuff, human trafficking has become an epidemic worldwide and it has started to creep in everywhere.  But again, what can I do.  Maybe there is something on something closer to home that I can participate in.  I’ll have to Google it.  I just want to make this world a more beautiful place but a safer, happier place for everyone, especially people less fortunate than me.  I might have to start on a more local level, but there just has to be something I can do.  I’m tired of feeling helpless to change things and just moving on.  It’s time to act and I hope you feel the same.

Fishing Expedition


Sometimes the forays into parenthood can be hard, scary, wonderful and a host of other things from down right insane to calm and peaceful.  Here is one of my recent ludicrous moments.

I went on a field trip last week with my 4 year old’s preschool class.  We went fishing at a Trout Farm near Kamas Utah.  My husband was suppose to go because while I have been fishing in my life, it’s usually with my dad and I hand him my hook for the worm, he hands me the baited pole, I catch the fish and hand over my line again, he takes the fish off and releases it and we start all over.  It really is thrilling when you catch that fish.  Of course, the whole time in my adult life, I’ve gone so that my son can experience it and I’m muttering all sorts of things about incurring bad karma by killing the worms and hooking these poor fish.

Our sitter fell through on the day of the field trip, and Matt couldn’t go.  So now it’s me and four other moms and the teacher with 12 preschool kids.  When we arrived, I was glad that we would be fishing in a small pond stocked full of fish.  I was fully prepared ahead of time that I would have to rip apart worms for the hook (gagging again as I write this).  The worms which I thought would be little skinny earthworms were as thick as my fingers and about as long as my hand.  They were like earthworm snakes (gagging again here).  I don’t mind worms in general or touching them although I don’t especially seek out the activity of worm holding.

Trout Farm Beck Fishing

So here I am with my industrial, white bucket for the fish, each kid got to catch 2 and I had charge of three kids – all boys.  Then the teacher comes around with a small wooden bat and says, “now when you catch the fish, you’re going to use this bat to whack it on the head to kill it quickly so it doesn’t suffer.”  That sounds reasonable and maybe cuts down on some of the bad karma because you’re not letting the poor fish suffer, but then there’s the reality of the whacking part.  Have you ever tried to whack a 12 inch flailing fish on the head?  Well I have now.  It actually took quite a few whacks for those suckers to die.  Most were briefly knocked unconscious at which point you’ve tossed them into the bucket and they they would wake up and all the kids would squeal and jump around screaming, “it’s still alive – he’s still alive! Hit him again!”  Then they would grab the bat and start swinging it around.  The kids wanted to clobber their own fish, so there’s your hand pinning this squirmy fish down as you vehemently tell them not to hit you or your hand with the wooden bat.  So of course they hit your hand, arm, get a close swing near your head and once again, it’s up to you to torture this poor unfortunate fish further and hit him a few more times for good measure.


After this horrible ordeal, it’s snack time for the class.  Even after washing my hands 3 times, I still felt a little sick and suspected I had fish blood and gut particles on me.

While we ate, the couple that owned the trout farm cleaned our fish for us – meaning the innards only.  We each got two whole raw, dead fish – heads, tails, skin and bones to take home with us in a white plastic grocery bag.

I thought I would quietly dispose of my fish – especially since I was still gagging whenever I thought about the whole fish catching experience, but I felt so guilty that I had killed these fish – they had to have died for a higher purpose, right?  Then of course the teacher told the kids she was going to ask them what we did with our damn fish and so I knew I had to cook them.  Beck wouldn’t lie – he would tell her we threw them out.

I then had to figure out how to filet a damn fish.  So with my dullest knives – which in our case is ALL of them, I tried to cut up the fish.  In the end, most of the pieces still had those hair-like bones in them, but we breaded them and pan fried them.  I have to admit, bones aside and the recurring images of the worm mutations and fish bludgeoning, the fish were pretty good.  Beck, who lives solely on rice and pasta even tried it and said he really liked it.  
I’m know that once the bad memories and my gag reflex goes away, I’ll look back on this day as a great day.  The kids had an awesome time and my kid tried something new – both fishing and eating what he caught.  Gag.

Fish Head!

I Hate My Life Right Now


I hate my life right now.  

All I want is a little bit of time for myself.  On the one hand I feel like that’s a reasonable request and on the other, I feel like this is a selfish thought.  Like I said before, I’m 41, with two young children – one is 4 and the other is almost 8 months.  I find myself wondering several times a day, “what the hell was I thinking?”  On top of that, we have 2 dogs who don’t listen, try to mark up the furniture and come in with muddy paws.  Plus 1 cat who is as old as a goddess and walks around meowing (I secretly think she gets lost even though she can still see and hear).

Any time I want to do something from a simple act like using the bathroom to more complicated tasks like cooking or crafting, my 7, almost 8 month old starts screaming, my 4 year old needs something – like off the coffee table and wants me to get it because it’s too far away for him to reach from the couch, the dogs are barking or have to go out and there’s still housework that needs to be done.  

I hate my life right now.

I try to stay positive but sometimes my sadness and desperation spirals out of control and I just sink deeper into depression and hopelessness.  How does anyone manage to do this?  I see moms with 3, 4, 5 kids and they’re dressed, make-up on, shopping or just having a normal, calm day.  Do they go through this?  Do they look around and think, “what the hell was I thinking?”  This is just too much.  Plus while my husband is wonderful, he comes home tired from a long day at work and I just want to hand it all over to him and disappear.  I want him to cook and clean.  I just want to check out and I don’t think he understands how rough some of the days can be.  It seems like everyone turns into an angel when he walks in and mommy is just plain crazy, which makes me feel even more worthless.  He doesn’t think so and he never makes me feel that way, it’s just that imbalance in my brain – depression and bipolar feelings that take over.  I’m having one of those times right now.

I just want some time for myself.  A vacation, a room with no kids or dogs.  I don’t want to hear a fire truck toy or a mommy I’m thirsty or a screaming baby.  I tell my 4 year old son to calm down and take a deep breath when he’s upset and frustrated.  He now has adopted the same saying and when I get all worked up, he tells me to calm down, take a deep breath and I laugh and do as he says.  It’s really not all bad.  Everyone’s alive, healthy and loved, so I must be doing something right even on the bad days.  

Deep breaths, deep breaths.  Somehow we’ll all (womankind) going to survive – and our children too, I guess.  And I’ll try to endure this temporary feeling of hating my life right now because I know deep down that I really don’t hate my life, it just feels that way sometimes.