I Hate My Life Right Now

 

I hate my life right now.  

All I want is a little bit of time for myself.  On the one hand I feel like that’s a reasonable request and on the other, I feel like this is a selfish thought.  Like I said before, I’m 41, with two young children – one is 4 and the other is almost 8 months.  I find myself wondering several times a day, “what the hell was I thinking?”  On top of that, we have 2 dogs who don’t listen, try to mark up the furniture and come in with muddy paws.  Plus 1 cat who is as old as a goddess and walks around meowing (I secretly think she gets lost even though she can still see and hear).

Any time I want to do something from a simple act like using the bathroom to more complicated tasks like cooking or crafting, my 7, almost 8 month old starts screaming, my 4 year old needs something – like off the coffee table and wants me to get it because it’s too far away for him to reach from the couch, the dogs are barking or have to go out and there’s still housework that needs to be done.  

I hate my life right now.

I try to stay positive but sometimes my sadness and desperation spirals out of control and I just sink deeper into depression and hopelessness.  How does anyone manage to do this?  I see moms with 3, 4, 5 kids and they’re dressed, make-up on, shopping or just having a normal, calm day.  Do they go through this?  Do they look around and think, “what the hell was I thinking?”  This is just too much.  Plus while my husband is wonderful, he comes home tired from a long day at work and I just want to hand it all over to him and disappear.  I want him to cook and clean.  I just want to check out and I don’t think he understands how rough some of the days can be.  It seems like everyone turns into an angel when he walks in and mommy is just plain crazy, which makes me feel even more worthless.  He doesn’t think so and he never makes me feel that way, it’s just that imbalance in my brain – depression and bipolar feelings that take over.  I’m having one of those times right now.

I just want some time for myself.  A vacation, a room with no kids or dogs.  I don’t want to hear a fire truck toy or a mommy I’m thirsty or a screaming baby.  I tell my 4 year old son to calm down and take a deep breath when he’s upset and frustrated.  He now has adopted the same saying and when I get all worked up, he tells me to calm down, take a deep breath and I laugh and do as he says.  It’s really not all bad.  Everyone’s alive, healthy and loved, so I must be doing something right even on the bad days.  

Deep breaths, deep breaths.  Somehow we’ll all (womankind) going to survive – and our children too, I guess.  And I’ll try to endure this temporary feeling of hating my life right now because I know deep down that I really don’t hate my life, it just feels that way sometimes.

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